It do be that time y’all.
Week one of Azalea City Fantasy Wrestling Season 16 has officially concluded! But more importantly than that, this is week one of the new season for The Golden Shovel. And that’s what we’re all really here for, isn’t it?
In the first week, we had some match-ups that didn’t quite go as expected.
Led by Kofi Kingston, Team Madelyn curbstomped the returning Terry, who was apparently hoping to skip out a few seasons and come back a winner. Not in this league! Even after a clear victory, Madelyn let Terry know there is no mercy in the ACFW by racking up a week one record-breaking 63 points to his mere 19.
Scoring close to double what his opponent made—33 to 18.5—Jeff sealed a solid victory against Jacob. Nice way to make a return there, Jeff. His team was led by the not-anymore Monday Night Messiah, Seth Rollins, who earned nearly half of Jeff’s points on his own. More points could’ve been made if Jeff had chosen a different captain, but at least he didn’t bench his highest scorer.
Last season, Jacob made his way to the championship game, but Jeff is already trying to stop that dream from happening. The excessive points he laid up beg the question: what did he ever do to you, Jeff?
Season 16 is the first-ever season for our new player, Phillip. His first match-up was a brutal lesson of the no mercy rule, with 3-time championship winner Ben smothering his 24.5 points under a hefty 55 points. Ben’s captain, Xavier Woods, used the same loophole his New Day partner Kofi Kingston did, and wrestled on both Raw and Smackdown, earning 30 of the 55 points all by himself.
Hang in there, Phillip. Next week is a new day, and you’ve got an easy win against...Madelyn...who scored the new record of most points in the first week. But after that, it’s the first Pay Per View of the season! In between weeks two and three, your next match-up is only...Austin...who has won the championship belt more times than anyone else in the history of the league.
Don’t quit, Phillip, it makes the league look bad.
Game of the Week for Season 16 was a slow burning battle of who wants it least right up until the very last night. In a curious drafting decision, returner Brandon chose the Viper, Randy Orton, over now heel Roman Reigns—a decision that cost him his first match-up. You’ll have to do better than 16.5 to beat any team with Reigns on it, even when you score a whopping 2 points on NXT.
Earning 33 of Austin’s 38 overall points by himself, Reigns was a good choice for team captain. But here’s some inside info: Reigns almost didn’t get that point bonus. He was made captain at the last minute, and ended up winning the first week on his own. How dull the first Game of the Week would’ve been with that one small oversight.
A tip for all players: it helps to pay attention to what your wrestlers are doing each week.
Quotes of the Week!
Sponsored by The Golden Shovel
“Hey hey, ho ho.” ~Ben
“John Cena.” ~Jeff
“Big numbers, baby.” ~Phillip
“My team is just stuck in a traffic jam on their way to the game. They’ll be fine once they get there.” ~Austin
“And I helped!” ~Tess
“I was excited for Woods to come back...but not anymore!” ~Phillip
“I think the New Day should be banned for week 2.” ~Austin
Our interview for this week was with Ben of the Fetner Foundation.
The Golden Shovel: “You won your first match-up; how does that make you feel?”
Ben: “It feels anticlimactic...hollow even. To match me up with this brand new J-bro could even be called insulting. ‘You won’— of course I won! Was that outcome ever in question? I didn’t think so.”
GS: “Why did you not share any victory points?”
Ben: “The Foundation are the only members I would ever share anything with! But if any member of the Foundation were to ever ask for help just to get victory points, they’d no longer be in the Foundation. If I were to start doing things like sharing points, the Foundation would be no better than the Corporation.”
GS: “Why did you only draft Finn Bálor and not also the Demon?”
Ben: “I drafted Finn Bálor as is because he doesn’t need gimmicks to be the best. I’m looking at you, Tribal Chief…”
GS: “And most importantly, what’s your favorite color?”
Ben: “What in the R-Truth is going on here?”
It’s called good journalism, Ben.
After the interview, we here at The Golden Shovel were left with even more questions. Such as, how far does Ben’s obsession with the Fetner Foundation go? If Finn Bálor “doesn’t need” gimmicks, why does he have one? What is Ben’s favorite color?
And Phillip’s name doesn’t even start with J...
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