Well. Seems like no one reads The Golden Shovel anymore. Let’s see how you all like your efforts going unappreciated…
Last week was dull and boring for Azalea City Fantasy Wrestling. Led by Nia Jax, who nobody cares about, Ben’s team scored 41 points on Jeff, who only managed to score 12. At least it’s double digits?
Jacob has apparently decided to go 50/50 and win exactly half of the matches he plays. Week 4 was a win week, so he captained Cedric Alexander, laid up 29.5 points to Phillip’s 16, and walked away with the victory point. This season seems to be thoroughly planned by Jacob, splitting his wins right down the middle and making sure to have that extra half-point every single week.
Meticulous? Yes.
Make sense? No.
In his first week of Season 16, Chris came in and almost upset the undefeated Madelyn, scoring 37.5 to her 38—27 of which were scored by team captain Sasha Banks alone. But since he didn’t actually win, no one really cares. Yeah, we know how that feels.
Game of the week, was, again, a dud. That nobody cared about. #2 Austin versus #3 Terry. Bayley versus Captain AJ Styles and his behemoth bodyguard. The game would’ve been close, had it not been for Bayley losing everything. She led her team to 25 points, but Captain Styles and his bodyguard led their team to 36.5. To add insult to the injury, Terry went ahead and took the #2 ranking as well.
That’s just cold, Tenacious One.
Quotes of the Week!
Sponsored by The Golden Shovel
Not that anyone cares
“This show is garbage.” ~Austin
“I hope AJ trips and falls off the stage on his way to the ring.” ~Austin
“AJ needs extra points for this great segment!” ~Ben
“Ah. Ben. My old nemesis.” ~Chris
Our interview for this week was with Jacob of the Fetner Foundation
The Golden Shovel: “Any comments on the upcoming week against former/fellow Fetner Foundation member Austin?”
Jacob: “Listen. Austin’s a chump. His last name isn’t even Fetner. He’s not Ben’s real son and for that reason, I’m taking him down.”
GS: “You’ve been seemingly very meticulous about this season—winning exactly half the matches, adding a .5 to all of your scores. Can we ask why?”
Jacob: “A wise man once told me that all things should be in perfect balance. And for that exact reason, I’ve been winning exactly half of my games and only adding half a point to every score. In the name of balance.”
GS: “And, most importantly, buuh?”
Jacob: “You so funny.”
After the interview, we here at The Golden Shovel were left with a few extra questions. Such as, if Austin is such a chump, why has he been ranked in the top three since the beginning of the season? If he’s not a Fetner, why was he in the Foundation in the first place, and how far does this lie go?
And why was the last question—a very relevant question—mocked?
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